From: George McSpeight
Cc: President Designate Rambuka, Chief Chef and new Finance Minister
The new McSpeight burger is now available from May 19th to all the varied citizens of Fiji. Developed in the secret annals of an overspent bank account and an Australian pyramid, it is being offered in different varieties for different ethnic groups.
McSpeight Hindi - full of beef. All objections on religious grounds are overruled as this religion is considered to be a foreign concept of recent origin. But, there is no charge for this burger. All the prospective customers are considered to be guests of the new establishment.
McSpeight Mohammed - a pork burger from the farm of a police officer. Customers will be interested to know that the pigs are fattened up by a well known Indian farmer who appears on television. On reaching maturity the pigs are taken to Parliament, viewed by the leader, killed and then carefully prepared.. As with the McSpeight Hindi, the burger is free to all adherents of the recently discovered Islamic faith.
McSpeight Other - especially prepared for air travel. This burger comes in a special package with a picture of the leader on the front, a small plastic gun to keep as a souvenir and a cassette of Isa Lei to remind you of the time when we you thought you were getting close to Paradise.
MsSpeight Army - prepared from a previous recipe discovered in 1987. This year however the flavour is different. As with, McSpeight Other, the army burger comes in weather proofed paper with a picture of the leader as a target. Bored soldiers standing at checkpoints may pin the wrapping paper on a tree and use it for target practice. A feature of the target is that each time the soldier scores a direct hit, the target moves of it own accord to another tree. Senior officers need to be aware of this innovative device. At the moment, the MsSpeight Army burger is offered free through a credit note issued by the non-existent government of Fiji. We invite all citizens to give one of these burgers to a soldier near you.
McSpeight Indigenous - developed with love and care for the many people who are hungry and poor. It should not be confused with the other burgers despite the fact that the burger name contains the first four letters of the copyright ethnic word "India". This burger has everything including pork, beef, dalo, and barbecued chicken imported from close to the beautiful Tholo -I -Cuva Forest Park. This area is being now considered by the new leaders as a historical site as tourists once used to visit it. There will be enough burgers for all of the poor of Tailevu and surrounding districts. All customers are required to pay cash in advance for their burgers. No cheques or credits cards please..
Armed guards will be in attendance at the counter to ensure that the sales assistants do not give away free burgers, as we are aware that customers might think a precedent has been set by the recent twenty million dollar give-away of goods and property by the generous owners of the shops of Central Suva. However, a free McSpeight burger will be offered to any person accompanied to Victoria barracks by a Prime Minster and hostages. This offer is also open to the army. The first free burger will also include a cancelled Australian passport.
This text may have been edited to protect the writer.
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last revision June 9, 2000